I recently attended a training workshop entitled Polishing your Presentation Skills with Randall Whatley that I enjoyed. Near the end of the workshop, each attendee had a few minutes to come up with a topic to present and with what we were going to say. After racking my brain for a minute, I came up with tips to make your next stay in jail more pleasant.
You see, I spent 6 years in jail. Fortunately, I was able to go home each night (most nights, anyway) since I only worked there and was not a resident. So, I had some good stories rattling around in my noggin and decided that could make for an entertaining presentation. The class seemed to enjoy it, so I thought I’d write it up and add it here for your enjoyment. Or maybe as useful information for your next jail stay. Keep in mind that I only had a few minutes.
Disclaimer: As I stated in the Q&A that followed, these tips are based on actual events that I either witnessed firsthand or was told about secondhand. While this was very much tongue-in-cheek and meant to entertain, I don’t intend any disrespect to what happened to the victims of these morons, er, inmates… only to the morons themselves.
Tips to make your next stay in jail more pleasant.
Good afternoon and thank you for coming. My name is Brian Crowell.
Jail. We’ve all been there. Whether you did something fairly innocent like lose track of how much you drank and inadvertently caused a multi-car collision or maybe accidentally beat your girlfriend’s parents to death with a crowbar, if you haven’t been yet, it’s only a matter of time.
Let’s face it, jail is not Yale. Still, it can be a nice break from the hectic day-to-day pace of your everyday life. To make it even better, here are some tips to make your next, or first, stay in jail more pleasant.
- Don’t swallow razor blades. It’s unpleasant, but we know it’s an easy rule to forget. So, what you really want to remember is that after they’ve cut you open and removed the razor blades, what you don’t want to do is pick at the stitches until you’ve opened up the wound. Because then as you lay there whimpering, the CO’s (that’s Corrections Officers) are going to have to take pictures of it (for evidence). Plus, they’ll stand around and talk about you and laugh at you. Embarrassing, right?
- Don’t go to jail to get your teeth worked on. Unless you’re looking for extraction, then by all means go. They’re quick and cheap. However, keep in mind that they’ll only generally take out one jaw’s worth of teeth at a time. So, make sure you have enough time left on your sentence for their next visit. Otherwise, you’ll just look awkward when you’re released with only half of your teeth removed.
- Don’t forget to tell them if you’re HIV positive. Pat downs in jail aren’t like they are on TV. They’re much more thorough and intimate [speaking of intimacy, see my note below]. If the CO forgets to put on his gloves first and you didn’t tell him, he’s likely to get upset. It’s just the polite thing to do.
- Jail can sometimes get crowded and loud. If you feel like you just need some alone time, the best way to get that is to become belligerent, start a fight, or threaten to kill someone. At first, you’ll be extremely popular. Several of your new best friends will crowd around you, but then they’ll whisk you off to your private accommodations, where you can enjoy some quiet “me” time. Possibly while strapped into a hard, plastic restraint chair.
- Don’t smuggle in contraband. That will earn you extra charges. Now, it’s easy to forget that you’re packing iron, but try to remember to let your arresting officer know, especially if he forgets to pat you down properly. You’ll enjoy fewer charges, and he’ll get to remain employed. Besides, even if you stow the contraband in uncomfortable places, it’s probably going to be found during the booking process, where you’re thoroughly inspected.
- [I’m going to switch around these last two based on response during the presentation] Don’t break into offices to use the computer. Your email will be waiting for you when you get out. There aren’t any tweets you’re missing important enough to rack up additional charges. If you really need to know, you can give your password to your family during visitation, and they can check for you.
- Finally, don’t lie about your gender. Especially if you happen to be both. They’re going to find out after you strip down. And that’s good. You want the CO’s to find out before the other inmates. Otherwise, you’re going to be very popular. Unless you really like to party, this isn’t one you want to forget.
Then, I gave a brief closing that I don’t really remember. This presentation got a lot of laughs and incredulous looks. There was one extra bit from number 3 that I decided to pull at the last minute, but I thought I’d throw caution and good taste to the wind and include it here:
Plus, if one of the CO’s is kind enough to enter into an intimate situation with you and happens to forget to use protection, you should jog her memory. It’s the least you can do, since she’s going to get fired after you two get caught. At least now she’s only unemployed instead of unemployed and with STD.
Alright, I hope you enjoyed that. I also hope you never have to use any of those tips. Unless you belong in jail. In that case, good luck.
Photo: Português: Uma cela moderna em Brecksville Police Department, Brecksville, Ohio (Photo credit: Wikipedia)